Bad behavior….Bad situations…. Bad this or that….. It is very easy to get lost in it all and feel like a helpless victim (or villain) trapped in negative repeating cycles. When it really becomes too much, you need to figure out a solution.
This is what came to me when I was trying to figure out mine…
Understand the strife, the confusion. Bring it to the light of your being/awareness. Don’t take it personally . . . is the trick. We get so hurt , so cut , so confused as to who is wrong, who is right, who deserves to be punished. We get so hurt by the strife.
Why does there need to be strife in the first place? So hurt , so saddened , so heavy in heart, in soul. So burdened and crippled with doubt and foreboding. Why carry all this? Why not just let it go? Because it sticks to us like a putrid smell , a stain. Tainted lives, tainted love .
The absolute sorrow that things went bad in the first place, and from there on spiraled out of control, with each coiling strangling more and more life out of us. And yet, ‘we’ are the dreamers of dreams (thanks Willy Wonka).
Why can’t we just let it be , as it is?!?
Letting…. ‘Allowing’….. doesn’t have to mean ‘supporting’, or agreeing with. It can simply mean “allowing” of what is, to be.
A diary entry to work out feelings of irritation turned into another relieving insight…
Please note: My writing is based on my own research; creative contemplation’s; and intuitive reasoning. Although I may write with a certain conviction, I do not claim to know or present fact, or truth.
Diary Entry – Saturday DEC 16 2017
For some reason I am feeling agitated. I feel like all the “bad stuff”- bad ‘feelings’- are concentrated. I am feeling like a ‘hypocrite’ for offering Distant ‘Healing’ to others. Why am I feeling this way? (A voice of reason responded)…
Because, I tell you Tracy… not one day will go by when I don’t find a way to show you that I care about your welfare. You drain and moan – all the while ‘knowing’, deep down in your heart, that I really do care. You need to show it to the world. I can’t make you stop this moaning – I can show you the way… to mercy. I show you mercy – I give you mercy –please, give this to others.
I feel, ‘surely’ I am evil, and guilty, for such behavior –such irritable, angry behavior.
You will feel – always – what you feel. (Your experience will always be what you feel it is)
‘Am’ I guilty…guilty for wallowing in the mire? Guilty for indulging in irritable displays of emotion? ‘Why’ do I have such a need to express the irritation? (Voice of reason continues to respond)…
Because you don’t see reason –you only feel emotion –and, your emotions are fueled by fire! Redirect them into positive cause. ‘Give’ and you will receive… The amount you measure out is the amount you will be given back.
I need healing, God. Will I…
You get what you give! (Answered before I could finish the question)
I was going to ask: Will ‘I’ receive healing by helping others in their healing?
Stand up straight – look up and feel the connection with your spirit –with God/Source. Do it on purpose! Lift ‘yourself’ out of the mire! Behold – I AM God.
(ego self begins speculating…’I’ am God!?)
No! Not the ‘ego’ – but, the “essence” – the “conscious awareness” – the consciousness ‘in me’….is “God”. That One Blanket of Truth – that Blanket of ‘Awareness’ which covers/spans the universe…is ‘God’.
My individual self…my ‘body’… is part of that Truth?
It is an ‘expression’ of the activity of that truth –within Itself.
‘Is’ it that ‘Truth’, or ‘God’? Is the ‘expression’ (i.e. the ‘results’ of creative thinking – the “things” created by thought –our bodies included)? Are the “things” of creation, ‘automatons’ (i.e. soulless ‘machines’)? (A voice cuts in)…
Created ‘with’ the Truth – ‘with’ Awareness – but, not sole dwelling places ‘for’ that Truth/God.
Does ‘awareness’/’God’ dwell in ALL things?
‘Sunspots’ (came to mind) –aspects of creation where God no longer dwells; for strife has taken over.
The “things” became trapped in the mechanics of the natural laws of cause and effect. The natural laws of cause and effect keep “things” in motion; while God –who created them – amusingly sits back and watches the automaton circus play itself out. But, God watches attentively – for, God Himself/Herself/Itself, is partly trapped in it –part of God’s Own Awareness is trapped in the dream circus of creation. Sunspots i.e. holes in God’s awareness of Itself* [speculatative thought]
So, expecting ‘God’ to come down and “fix” everything is like waiting for yourselfto come and get ‘yourself’ out of bed. Only you can do this…willingly.
Oh yeah… but, there is this great thing called ‘equilibrium’; i.e. God’s natural barometer of Itself. This will even things out –with or without God’s full Awareness. Is the ultimate goal to find balance/harmony without the need to press themechanical reset button?
By sheer Awareness, and, Understanding, of One’s Self – not caught in traps…’snares’ of guilt…desire…fear etc; but, by sheerknowledge of One’s Self to be the full Expression of Love (?!)
To delight in the expression of ‘loving joy’andfreedom of creation; with fullAwarenessof one’s self.
That, too, would get a bit boring after some eonsof time. Then, would it be back to ‘strife’ and ‘chaos’, and ‘forgetfulness’ of one’s self…’again’; only to eventually rediscover it –in a moment of ecstatic joy –bursting forth – ‘again’– as Infinite Creators of Our Universe (?!)
PS This is why I value journaling so much. I started his diary entry feeling burdened by feelings of agitation – and ended it feeling like I have regained some breathing space. Amen.
Following on from yesterday’s diary entry – as the spirit of strife (and guilt) continued to dig its claws into me – triggered by a sense of remorse for past actions…
Sunday December 17 2017
It ‘happened’. I cannot wallow in the mire for ever. I could if I choose to, though. The strife happened! I cannot change that fact; though, I can change the thoughts surrounding that memory.
Self-condemnation for Eternity?
‘God’…do You want me to condemn myself for ‘eternity’? (Is this ‘God’, asking ‘God’, what ‘God’ would do!?) Or, is it the ‘flesh Being’ condemning itself? God dwells within this, though. God dwells in the flesh Being.
Is God’s Awareness‘trapped’ – ‘deformed’ – ‘distorted’, ‘by’ the flesh Being (i.e. by “us”)?
CanGod’s Awareness ‘be’ distorted? It is‘God’ after all (!?)
> The resonant field of fear is SO STRONG on Earth, that it keeps part of God’s Awareness held/trapped within it (!?)
Am I to be punished for upsetting my mum? (I did so, because ‘she’ upset ‘me’…(ego cries out)!
‘Can’ I forgive myself? ‘Will’ I? Willing – Will ‘I’ forgive ‘me’? Clouds ‘cloud’ my thinking – make it hard to see, and understand. Will it always be this way?
“STRIFE ON FIRE, KEEPS US BOGGED IN THE MIRE”.
Addicted to strife, are we? Addicted to anger? “Why”?
…Allows us to ‘let off steam’! Tension building up stresses us.
“Why” so much ‘tension’?
Anger over our ‘predicament’…angry at someone ELSE for ‘OUR’ predicament?
Anger at someone ‘else’, is this the only ‘way’ we know how to not face “the blame”!??
The ‘blame’ for THE WAY THINGS ARE.
Hell! Who would ‘want’ to take the blame? Kerfuffle! We are in our own Kerfuffle! ‘Surely’ there is a “God” ‘up there’, who is responsible for ALL THIS – who we can ‘blame’!?
Aargh!! (Frustration that WE should finally realize)…“We” are the Creators – the Doers – the Movers – and Shakers! “We” are responsible for it all.
“We” are all the ONE Being, (appearing to be) divided into MANY parts. The Blanket “exploded”- still all pieces of the ONE Blanket!
The Consciousness – the Awareness – the holographic ‘pieces’ – of the One Whole Being…we are! ‘Too’ enthusiastic? Tell me it’s not true. Yes, ‘others’ have said it – I am not making out like ‘I’ am the discoverer of it. I am one of the parts ‘realizing’ it! If one can –all must be able to. Are you ‘tuned in’ to receive it?
A ‘voice of reason’ giving a hard word to self this morning:
If you are trying to drag God down to your level with your wallowing and whining, think again.
‘Woe is me!’… (You might say)…
‘If God exists, why isn’t he down here with me’?!
Have your hissy fit…
Let off your steam…
God will watch you…waiting…with gentle amusement; wondering when you will ‘stand up straight’ and decide to finally approach Him.
As you decide to move closer to God, your resonant field will begin to match His, and He will become bigger – a ‘growing field of Awareness’. And soon, ‘more’ will be drawn into this field…if they have but a mustard seed of faith, of ‘awareness’ of the: God within.
As a snake sheds its skin sometimes the old skin can stick around annoyingly before it finally drops off, freeing the snake to go slithering around happily once again. I am not comparing us to snakes but find it a fitting analogy as to how our past hurts/memories can stick around us, making our road to enlightenment seem, at times, impossible. [Memories can also work the other way around, by keeping us trapped in joyful aspects of our pasts; the snare works both ways.]
Contemplation of my own “bad” memories inspired a communication between a ‘voice of reason’ and a ‘spirit of strife’…
While ‘memories’might be dealt with, as suggested above, what about ‘current issues’ – or, our reactions to these current issues – which create our ‘future memories’?
Realizing how a spirit of strife, relating to a certain unresolved situation, keeps interfering with my own spiritual growth, I asked myself the following question:
How do I release myself from this strife…how do I release myself?
(Intuitive / ‘voice of reason’ response)…
By stopping the ‘reactions’.
Trapped in strife reactions – like trapped in a machine with no ‘stop’ button in sight – trapped in regret and fear – not knowing ‘how’ it will play out – fearing the worst. The burden of heartache for having gotten into this situation in the first place; grief for the loss of innocence – the open wound which will not heal, coz I keep ripping off the skin.
Such sadness – such regret – such a snowballing effect – collecting more and more grief as it goes on – ‘STOP’ – melt this ball in the warm light of Awareness –
See no evil.
Hear no evil.
(then).. Speak no evil.
Forgive yourself (myself)
‘For’…the mercy I show others, is the mercy I shall receive.
Awareness that you are trapped in this vicious cycle is the first step to releasing it. Understanding the triggers and ‘seeing’ that it is an automatic pattern of repeat…same thing happening over and over again…UNTIL, the driver ‘wakes up’ and notices he (or she) is travelling in a direction he doesn’t really want to go, and chooses a different one.