While confronting my worst fears, a personal, disjointed diary entry turned into an insight and Soul Communication into strife, self-forgiveness, and allowing self to let go and move on…..

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I fear I am the worst version of myself… that I am the lowest form of what I fear myself to be. I am selfish…This is selfish!?

I am the worst possible version of myself, and nothing more.

I am worthless…

No! (Voice of Reason proclaims)

I am nothing but selfish..

(Well… ‘Yes’. Thinking myself this way is a form of selfishness).

I am ALL things.

I ‘am’ the worst…

I ‘am’ the best…

Am I more one than the other?

Friction between the two.

Active
receptive

Ra

Am I more one, than the other?

Am I more selfish than good?

“Good”?

Selfish, or …not selfish? (No value judgement here).

Is selfish ‘wrong’?

“Selfish”… Only concerned with self; not concerned, or considerate of others!?

I am considerate of others….only when I have been found out to be behaving selfishly!!?? …Otherwise, I am operating unconsciously on automatic pilot!?!

F*#k! …(expletive to break up the uncomfortable tension).

Am I selfish to the core?

Oh God.

What do you ‘want’ growing in your garden? What virtues or qualities of spirit do I want to possess? (I reason with myself).

Frozen in doubt and fear… for so long.

A sense of ‘injustice’ (?) seems to prevent me from breaking free.

“Stuck” in a place of feeling–at once–like the victim, and the villain.

What will it take to break myself out of this ‘stuckness’?

Allow yourself to be what you fear most ?

I have been ….

Selfish… Self-seeking… Inconsiderate (!?!)

I was driven… I was driven to be this way!? Everyone has the urge to do as they do. For this, are we extremely guilty?

Controlled by fear…

….Yes, this seems to be the usual reason…The ‘only’ reason?

I am going to get SO SICK of being stuck in this “reason”, that soon I am going to simply PUT AN END TO IT.

THIS GAME IS BECOMING BORING!

(The niggling doubt that makes you believe you deserve to suffer, and remain stuck in Hell)….

”Don’t think you’re getting off the hook that easily!” (It proclaims)

And here we are/I am, caught in the human condition.

We are ‘puppets’ controlled by malevolent forces!? Fear has caused us to lose control of our senses, and we allow ourselves – consciously or otherwise – to be controlled by “them”. “Them” who are the sum body of all our fears (!?) Our own self-inflicted poisoned minds, controlling “us”.

For ‘how long’ will we remain like this? Until ‘God’ sees how ‘stupid’ we are…realising we won’t free ourselves; or, realising we cannot free ourselves – for the stain of strife is too deep? Will God whip us back in, thinking*…”Oh well, perhaps ‘next time’ they will overcome their fears on their own, and then we can all celebrate!?

The restlessness to overcome themselves /their fears will be embedded in their/our/My soul, and the stirring will eventually cause another ‘Big Bang’ explosion – and ‘Groundhog Day’ will recommence!?

*It makes me wonder…does ‘God’ really even ‘think’ about us/Himself; or, does He simply live out the experience, through feeling?

SEEKING AFTER PEACE WILL BECOME FUTILE. Like Dorothy, they will come to know that peace already resides within their own being, and they will take themselves back home… back to rest.

The two propel each other forward. Without the two, there will be stillness.

That which had burst out of Itself. A trailing cord binds that which was burst out of Itself, back to its central cause /point.

“God” is the Central Point out of which ALL else burst forth!?

Like Dorothy, they will come to know that peace already resides within their own being

God’s fragmented self.

Enough God realisation – in the ALL (Critical Mass) – will send out a burst/ flash of realisation to the ALL – and the ALL will be overcome with realisation. Some will weep, for they deem themselves “unworthy”; yet, God will carry them into (His) bosom.

Will ‘All’ be overcome, and shed all that was/is dark/strife ridden; or, will the once dark retain the memory of strife, and remain ‘indifferent’… unable to fully accept the light, the grace, the peace of God’s unconditional embrace?

This story is ALIVE.

What will I choose for myself now? Hang on to the negative self projection, or let it go?

Understanding allows me to let it go.

Understanding how and why things are the way they are develops compassion for self, and for others.

“What if” understanding never comes?

Why wouldn’t it come?

It was never ‘sought’?!

If you seek something with all your heart, and all your mind, and you still don’t find it…. rest assured, for God will know your heart and see that you have sought to overcome – and mercy will be given unto you.

But, if you do not seek, the seed of doubt/of strife will remain within you*. And because you will know that you did not seek with all your heart, and all your mind, you will lay judgement upon yourself – and your own mind will torment you for it (!?) Know this. You – the seeker – can change your destiny.

*Will this lack of self-realization cause some sort of magnetic yearning restlessless within the mind of God, once the universe collapses back into/upon itself once again? Will you – that portion of the Creator – be the one consciously experiencing the unrest, or, will it be felt throughout the totality of ‘God’s ‘mind?

Beginning of a Soul Communication with a Voice of Strife, and ‘God’ (?)/Voice of Reason…

(Menaced by a fear of being ‘too late’ to be “saved’)…

Desire to overcome, and you will find a way.

(Voice of strife)…

Yeah, what if I don’t “desire” to overcome in time? What will happen to me then, hey? (Spoken snidely)

Your disharmony is your own. You want it. Do you ‘want’ to be saved?

“Saved”? Saved from what?

Saved from the torments of your own mind.

Yeah,  well … (scoffing)…. Who cares anyway!?!

Do you?

Na… Not really … (voice fading)

You don’t sound sure. Do you really want to remain in torment?

It’s  … ‘justice’… (defensiveness losing strength)

Tit-for-tat ?

Yeah…. tit – for – tat .. ( … ) … I’m giving up …. I think I want to go home (voice weakening)

Don’t you want to know the mercy of God?

F-ing mercy! I did nothing wrong!

Then why are you so defensive?

You did this to me . You cast me out . You made me feel “wrong” and unwanted.

Do you not see, or understand natural order?

What’s that?

The (physical) universe is governed by natural order – if one thing gets too big, or too bright, a natural reaction occurs… something is felt in the field… something feels out of balance… Not ‘judged’ as “bad” or “wrong”, just feels out of balance. And, then things occur to regain balance. (Do you not think God also has a homeostasis reset button, just as the human body does?) Not personal, just ‘practical’. You see?

Oh God, so I’ve made up this whole story of how I am an “evil” wrongdoer!

Yes, perhaps. You do have a mind to imagine anything you want…you see?!

(V.O.S. cooling down… smiling)…

Yeah, I guess you’re right, I do see. Maybe I’ll make it home tonight… if God will have me.

Amen.

 

[Afterthought]:

What have I gained out of this? Courage to let go of my negative self-perception, and begin to move forward? I hope so.

Forget self. Carry your cross. Follow me. (J C) (I hear)

Q. Can you live in strife, and still expect to be “saved”?

Pray daily. Yield yourself towards that light…that hope…that faith that there is a better way!

Avoid indulging in strife (anger, hatred, jealousy etc.); but, be kind to yourself, and let yourself off the hook if you do fall backwards at times.

“Indulging”? In a sick way, it feels ‘good’ to express anger, bitterness, and resentment. ‘Why’? Because it lets off steam…it eases the pressure inside your head, and the tension in your body. I guess that’s why ‘sports’ are such popular activities with humans, because they allow us to let off our steam in socially accepted ways.

Perhaps we need to find activities where we can express ourselves in ways which do not lead to added karma. Makes sense. Let’s do it! Perhaps I’ll join a drama group, or singing group, and let off my steam in a way which lets me off the karmic hook. Yes, okay.

Don’t just say it… do it!

 

(Following day insight)…

you just have to have a desire to ask the question, and a desire to receive the answer

This morning as I was falling into the pitfalls of yet another strife ridden reaction, I understood that these ‘tit-for-tat’ reactions are a stubborn mule to move, and I realised… you just have to have a desire to ask the question, and a desire to receive the answer to ‘why’ you react and behave as you do. In doing so, compassion and understanding can soon replace the karmic reactive forces of the laws of cause and effect.

 

 

Please note: My writing is based on my own research, creative contemplation, and intuitive reasoning. Although I may at times write with a certain conviction, I do not claim to know or present fact, or truth.