Tired, but I pick up a pen and my diary….
(A somewhat abstract, disjointed diary entry simultaneously addressing self doubt, and self realization)…
Culminating tensions with my neighbour. I feel embarrassed talking about this, this ‘thing’ which has been going on between me and my neighbour upstairs for nearly 20 years. On top of tensions from my existing anxiety/OCD, ongoing emotional problems, this Covid virus thing, an impending relocation, it all gets a bit much, but we survive! No other choice.
A lot of this anxiety is caused by knowing, or rather ‘not’ knowing how much time I have left with my elderly mother. I often feel stuck in a frozen sort of state, a “no think zone”. Overwhelmed. I’m shutting down.
Perceived torments, noises from the neighbour upstairs prod and taunt me. I have brought this upon myself. I will never forget what that client told me when working at the Hyatt, that “you bring life upon yourself”.
I have created this mess, this place where I now find myself, by the ways in which I have reacted to her. ‘Blame’? No…no one to blame, just a series of “experiential occurrences”* which have led to circumstances of one sort or another. (I do secretly blame myself most of the time, until the inner voice of reason rescues me).
(*A concept I discovered through the Ra Material)
I am tempted, but I don’t want to talk about current states in the world, with all the conspiracy theories etc, because it would only solidify it’s reality in my mind, and what type of world do I ‘wish’ to live in? Answer: One where we realize all we have done, all that has been, of how things have come to be; where understanding it all for what it is, and not victimizing, or villainizing anyone….for it’s our self we do so to (!?)
The minds eye of God.
Projecting out in a linear fashion?
‘Every’ direction, from the one point of perspective.
‘What’ one point of perspective?
Trying to logically explain seems futile. Is it possible? You feel what the truth is.
‘Truth’ (almost makes me laugh) does not sit comfortably with me.
The truth is, there is no truth(?!) Is there a truth? What is truth? A fact of a matter(!?)
You feel life…or ‘truth’.
‘Overthinking’, you forget the joy of living through the heart. Overthinking causes the brain to blow up like a bubble. Maybe that’s what aliens are…future humans who ‘think’ too much, and have lost their way, lost the way to the path of soul, of heart, of joy, of freedom, of ecstatic joyousness of being. Drone, controlled, mundaneness…the ‘misery beings’, fending for themselves in their own lifeless cold treadmill of hell…treading, prodding, poking, mimicking and mocking. Isolated and alone,. No shine, no rain, nothing but their own miserable thoughts.
Because they are dead inside – darkened, dense, shunned, and so, so angry for being so.
Angry at who?
Confusion over ‘who should be to blame’.
Why should anyone be to blame?
Because there must be some explanation as to ‘why’ we are here, in this hell shit.
A slow buildup of circumstances, increasingly unpleasant experiences of doubt and fear, slowly creeping up, slowly mounting, till it finally consumes your whole world, and you find yourself trapped in it, and you wonder why you are there. You think so hard your brain burns out by the same thought being thought over and over, and the trail becomes scarred and bumpy, so bumpy you can’t get past it- stuck, repeating, stuck and repeating…(OCD)
So why am I here? Why are ‘we’ here?
One thing, along the lines of so many things, was taken personally. Someone got hurt and took it to heart. A feeling which started out small, grew so big. Similar feeling things grouped together – like attracts like – “birds of a feather”… ‘thoughts/feelings’ of a feather get grouped together.
Why hang onto them?
Because they caused self-doubt – seeing others flying freely without fear or restraint.
Comparison. ‘I am not worthy’, we declare.
Just experiential occurrences, but we have taken things oh so to heart, and slowed ourselves down with our burdens of self-doubt.
How do we get out of this?
By going through it. Realizing what’s going on, and switching thoughts. Change the channel and instantly go from Fear/chaos FM, to ‘Let it be‘ FM, and ‘rise up a notch’.
Realizing…Seeing from a higher perspective…Understanding it for what it is…Forgiving and letting go.
I am one point in the mind of God realizing my full totality. And this realization will cause an expansion in my awareness, causing me to lift up and out of my current state of darkness, freeing me from the traps of fear. See me rise and know you can do the same.