Author: Tracy

Mystic daydreamer and smell'er of roses.

Overcoming Strife Complex

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Bad behavior….Bad situations…. Bad this or that….. It is very easy to get lost in it all and feel like a helpless victim (or villain) trapped in negative repeating cycles. When it really becomes too much, you need to figure out a solution.

This is what came to me when I was trying to figure out mine…

Understand the strife, the confusion. Bring it to the light of your being/awareness. Don’t take it personally . . . is the trick. We get so hurt , so cut , so confused as to who is wrong, who is right, who deserves to be punished. We get so hurt by the strife.

Why does there need to be strife in the first place? So hurt , so saddened , so heavy in heart, in soul. So burdened and crippled with doubt and foreboding. Why carry all this? Why not just let it go? Because it sticks to us like a putrid smell , a stain. Tainted lives, tainted love .

The absolute sorrow that things went bad in the first place, and from there on spiraled out of control, with each coiling strangling more and more life out of us. And yet, ‘we’ are the dreamers of dreams (thanks Willy Wonka).

Image result for willy wonka we are the dreamers

Why can’t we just let it be , as it is?!?

Letting…. ‘Allowing’….. doesn’t have to mean ‘supporting’, or agreeing with. It can simply mean “allowing” of what is, to be.

Amen

 

(featured image found here)

 

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A Fractal Body

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The thought came to me that, maybe the body (meaning all bodies), are actually ‘one’ body – of the Creator Spirit – constantly replicating itself – like a fractal – seeking the perfect expression of Itself. Just a thought.

The Light That Lost It’s Way

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Sol

 

Sol Ray. Rays of light passing through objects/things.

Light tangled up in matter – slowed down – distorted.

Light lost its way.

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Sunspots are missing parts of the sun, trapped in earthly matter (!?)

Consciousness trapped in the blazing glory of the sun. The sun is Lucifer (?) The brightest of bright who pulled all the lesser brilliant ones into its cast.

Physics

A body of greater mass with greater gravitational pull draws in bodies of lesser mass. You see this naturally occurring in soap bubbles strewn on the kitchen sink whilst washing dishes.depositphotos_174300582-stock-video-metamorphosis-of-big-soap-bubbles.jpg

‘Evil’… ‘wrong’… ‘bad’, or natural occurrences of a physical universe? But, the blah blah mess of drama keeps the entanglement in throw.

Unwillingness to forgive – or be forgiven – is the problem. “Problem“… is there really a problem, or, just a circumstance – a result of all prior thoughts and actions?

A problem is something that needs to be ‘fixed’. Do we need to be “fixed”? Can’t we be ignorant for a small eon or two – because, God knows, we got eternity to work it out anyway (!?) (Eeek! Imagine knowing we/life are eternal. Could we really live with that? Dark patches in experience are probably most necessary for sanity’s sake).

he he he

hoo hoo hoo

Wakka Wakka!

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And the beat goes on!

 

Conscious Traveler Through Conflict.

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Conflict insight:

I think I just realized something…

You need to make way for conflict!  This way, when it comes, it doesn’t need to derail you completely.

De ce ne doare, de fapt, sufletul
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Conflict is natural. Seeing it as a natural occurrence in a physical world governed by natural laws is one way to begin–not so much ‘approving’–but, allowing it to be, without condemning self or others for it.

Yes, there is – at times – conflict between me and my mum (whom I love). Am I going to cry over spilled milk for eternity over it? Are we going to remain in darkness for eternity because there was/is conflict in the universe… because of us?

Because of us.

Conflict, because of us?

Shit… Hell no… ‘God’ created all this… It’s God’s fault! (cries a defiant spirit of strife).

Imagine if this is how we continue to think/feel, when, (and I speculate) the reality may be that ‘we’ are God. See the conflict?

‘I’ imagine God as the great equalizing force in the universe. Like a gauge for homeostasis control – like in the human body. And we, apparently, are made in the image of God.

“ God ”

The Great Equilibrium Force of the Universe (?!)

 

Q. Is God personal?

A. God is a gauge (some assured voice proclaims).

Against what force does God measure? … What indicates equilibrium? What ‘feeling’ – in the universe – does God use to measure whether all is well and in balance? ‘Love’?

‘Balance’

….a gauge for harmony where All parts can work well together.

Harmony                    –                     Conflict

 

Without one, there is no other (?)

Conflict tells us something is not working well.

Thinking too much leads to confusion (if we cannot be bothered thinking further, and stall on a confusion spot).

Maybe we just need to feel our way through the universe. Then, we might get to where we need to be….wherever that is.

[Conclusion]:

Gracefully accepting that there ‘is’ conflict, and it is no thing to be ashamed off, is one way of unbridling ourselves, and becoming free.  (“Free from what”?)… Shut up gremlin!

[Afterthought]:

It’s like I completely can’t get over the fact that there has been conflict. Innocence lost.

I feel so down on myself for having behaved badly, or, I have let others down in their perception of me.

I have let others down in their perception of me!

God, how can you live up to other people’s perceptions/expectations?

Let myself be human… with mistakes!!!!!!!!!

I am human. I have mistakes. I have made mistakes. I will probably continue to make mistakes.

Let myself off the hook!!!

Others need to deal with their own perceptions, and get real about them….

Let others have their perceptions. They too, have their own mistakes to make, to learn and understand. Let them be…too!

“Aaahh”…. a sigh of relief.

Don’t plug into others who seem to be upholding a perception or expectation of you. ‘Are’ they? Or, are you imagining that they are?

If you come to terms with your own “mistakes”…. (no, I don’t like that)…. If you can come to terms with the fact that there ‘are’ conflicts – along with perceptions/misperceptions ‘others’ seem to be holding against you (which may only be your own conscience being reflected back to you) – then, maybe you need to settle with (albeit temporarily) all the uncomfortable feelings, sense of remorse and regret.

Should I get angry with mum if I ‘imagine’ she is holding something against me? I ‘can’ do… this would be an honest reaction on my part… a form of self defence strategy. But, be aware that this may only create more conflict, and decide…

‘Do’ I want to go down this path… again?  Or, is it time to neutralize the pain by simply observing and ‘noticing’ it, rather than reacting ‘to’ it?!

CHOICE.

CHOICE.

 

A   Acceptance…

that the thing happened

A  Allowance…

for the resulting thoughts and feelings

A  Awareness…

make the conscious choice to decide which way you now want to go

Be a conscious traveler through conflict.

 

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O.C.D – On automatic pilot

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Whilst getting stuck in one of my O.C.D (Obsessive Compulsive) patterns, I stopped and realized something…

With O.C.D you’re on ‘automatic pilot’ – and the pilot is O.C.D. You, like a stunned mullet, sit in the passenger seat doing your repetitive habits – like in a trance – and becoming exhausted – not realizing you can switch from automatic pilot and change the captain. You can decide to change the direction.

When you do, you may become aware of all those nasty thoughts (which were causing the OCD in the first place) sort of dragging behind you… ‘stuck’ in your body/mind field of awareness. What then?

The observer collapses the field. (I think of the Observer Affect)…

Notice… simply ‘notice’ them. Notice how they feel in your body. Noticing something brings ‘light’ to the subject. Light exposes the thing.

Notice it – place all your attention onto it – and soon, just maybe, it will all simply dissolve, and you’ll be free.

Amen

(image source)

Our Place in The Universe

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We don’t want to be subordinate to ‘another’.

I have one of those “popcorn” ceilings out of which many images seem to appear. I made out an image this morning which made me think of the statement above…

A heavenly guard – or angel – sitting at the top of a pinnacle…and a ‘lesser ordained’ figure situated beneath it.

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An example of a “popcorn” ceiling.

I pondered the meaning and saw it as a depiction of a heavenly hierarchy. I soon became aware of a spirit of rebellion who wants no part of it.

Not gracefully accepting our place in creation…is the problem!?

I thought…‘realized’… we (the part of us which rebels against authority) don’t want to be ‘subordinate’. And so, there is rebellion. (As above…so below). The War in Heaven plays itself out down here on earth through us.

But, then, I realized…in creation there is “greater” and “lesser” beings….only for the sake of order and interaction. But, ultimately, we are all “God stuff”. We ‘are’ the base stuff that all creation is made out of. So, for the sake of us experiencing creation harmoniously, we need to allow natural order without having our egos bruised for it. We allow our / ‘God’s‘ creation to exist as it needs to, while not placing value judgement on any part of it…great or small.

No value judgment… no bruised ego’s…. just enlightened acceptance of creation, as is.

“Why should I be subordinate?” A spirit of rebellion might think. This is like God’s arm saying…”Why should I be an arm? I should be the head!”

“Who gets to be the head?”

The cells which make up the body…

The cells which make up the arm…

The cells which make up the head.

“Why did ‘those’ cells get to make up the head?” Wondered the cells which make up the arm. Aren’t all parts of the body equally important?

Can a head exist without an arm? A head is only a head because it is on a body. Without a body, what is a head?

…Too much thought. Where were we? Yes, the problem of the “lesser”…

Order of ‘things’.

Accepting your place in creation.

Spirit of rebellion.

Letting yourself be all it can be.

Letting God be all It can be.

Letting Creation be what it is. (Does this mean ‘letting’ the strife be?)

Letting it all come to terms with Itself.

Letting enlightenment of being unravel itself.

Waiting for that one moment of ecstasy when all reveals itself… When understanding…love…and compassion prevail.

Is this our goal?

Ecstatic Joy of Remembrance

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Will we get to that, or, will some (souls) remain in darkness/ignorance?

Is this what drives the universe on? This need for (Holy rapture) when all are purified by fire? Will all be made even, or, will some remain with holes, or ‘lack’ in some way? God knows.

Will they? ‘Will’ some remain with lack? Lack of understanding/Lack of ‘realizing’? Will darkness remain like residue for some?

Cycles….

Shifting sands of enlightenment.

Can the ‘enlightened’ be once again made unenlightened, and vice versa? Can this diary entry ever end?

I’m chasing, and eating my tail.

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Afterthought:

As I end this diary entry on feelings of doubt, confusion, and vulnerability, I suddenly get the impression of a bison/buffalo which instills in me a grounding sense of strength and endurance. Thanks buffalo.

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(Main image: painting by William Blake)

Push Through the Darkness

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For all the bad behaviours I have exhibited, I know there has been reason. I cannot take back things I have said or done. Must I now be controlled by them? Am I to condemn myself forever?

Lost souls – the self condemned – lost in the thought of their own self-condemnation; fed by bitterness, unforgiveness.

Who must wear “the blame”? The self condemnor – caught in a confusing mix of self-condemnation, and bitter blaming of ‘another’. Where does it end?

When it stops.

When does it stop?

When it has not begun.

It ‘is’ already!

So shall be the plight of the weary traveller. Seeing only the past – and fearing the future.

NOW    (won)

I overcame the world, and won.

How?

By being here… Now. Not then, but… now. Now, in the ever present new. The ever creative now.

The morphic wonder of dreams of love. Ever new… Ever creative… Ever wondrous… Now. NOW.   NOW.   NOW.

In the now, I am new.
No past, no future.
No regret, no fear.
Just now.

I sense my voice of reason, speaking to me from the depths of my soul.

Push through the darkness –
you’ll make your way
through to the light.
The lightness of being
… free.

 

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[Main image source]

I Am The Awareness of God: A philosophical musing

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beamOfLight1a
I am the awareness (an aspect of) God Almighty, trapped within a corporal beam of light.

 

I woke this morning with the above insight, but went on to realize – alternatively – that, rather than being “trapped” in light, I/We are trapped within/by a thought God is having about Himself/Itself! “I/We” being ‘aspects’ of God’s own Awareness.

By corporal beam of light, I mean: light as being a created “thing” in which our awareness is trapped in/associating itself with. “Light”…”Sol”… our “Soul” is the light our awareness (i.e. our individualized portion of the Creators’ own Awareness) is trapped in.

Thought creates bursts of heat/light

Light is the by-product of God thinking thoughts about Himself/Itself

…So, saying we are “trapped” in the light, should/could really say: We (God’s Awareness) are trapped within a ‘thought’ about ourselves… or rather, ‘God’ is trapped within a thought about Himself.

When all thoughts retire;

When they have run their course;

Out will be put the fire;

And into cold retraction…

They shall reverse.

No more thoughts… no more ‘heat’ / ‘light’ / ‘things’ / ‘forms’. A cooling down period where all once matter, will fizzle and retract in onto Itself.

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Q. Will ‘Awareness’ be lost?

‘Being’-ness will replace activity. Still… quiet… silent awareness of just ‘being‘.  Until, simple ‘being-ness’ becomes over emphasised…over experienced, and restlessness sets in. Then…

‘Bang’… ‘Pow’… ‘Pop’… ‘Slam’– Wake Up! It’s party time… again!

(Reason enquires)…. If We – as pure, ageless Awareness – have countless millennia/eons, then what is the great rush to work it all out? (I think of the desperate urge to ‘save souls’ as preached by the Church). What great ‘danger’ is there if we don’t ‘realise’ Who and What we are before the worlds/the Mind collapses back into Itself?

Not ‘knowing’… ‘Ignorance’ ?

When we don’t know Who/What we are, we will continue to be subjected to the same old fates and misfortunes – as in all previous existences/incarnations (?!)

Cycles of knowing.

Q. Jesus, ‘why’ is it so important we overcome ourselves/our flesh bodies, along with all its problems?

(This is the answer that came to me)….

You said it before… To realise you are God. Until you realise this your experience of living will be subject to fate. Until you realise this you will not be the spirit of joy, love, and adventure you seek to be. Knowing Who you are Will Set You Free – free to roam and play in this Grand Old Adventure of life. Amen

Thanks J.C.   

A creative contemplation of God’s first Word.

(Here I interchange the words Thinker, Observer, *Him, *He, It, to describe ‘God’… the Great Unknown. “He” not meaning male – but, the base aspect of life – neither male nor female).

A thought uttered, becomes a word.

How does Spirit ‘utter’ a thought?

By ‘imagining’.

The restless movement of Mind beginning to wake again after a long nights sleep.

A ‘spark’ of thought creates a small burst of light. This small burst of light – observed by the Great Unknown – gives rise to another thought… ”What was that?”… the Thinker thought,… and yet another small burst of light occurs, until ‘many’ bursts of light form a “thing”. A ‘form’ begins to appear from the small bursts of light grouping together. And, the Thinker responds joyfully by observing the things – and the things become more solid, the more the Observer observes them, and holds them in Its mind.

The Thinker soaks in/absorbs the site that It sees, and vibrations set in, leading to sounds, i.e. reflections of light bouncing off the Observers observations of the things It sees.

All these “things” floating about in the air of the Observer’s Awareness…interact with Him. He sees them, and He responds – ”Ah”, it is Good”.

What causes the ‘utterance’? Or rather, what ‘is’ an utterance?

A response to a thing.

  1. Light 2. Sound

The Observer saw the things being created by the small bursts of light.

What caused the vibrations?

The “things” re-sounding/bouncing off each other (!?)

The first vibrations were caused by the “things” that were created by the first small bursts of light, bouncing off one another.

It must have been a delight to see… to witness.  And God knew It Was Good.

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Please note: My writing is based on my own research, creative contemplation, and intuitive reasoning. Although I may write with a certain conviction, I do not claim to know or present fact, or truth.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Closer We Move Towards God, The Stronger Gets The Stronghold of The Flesh

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I approach my diary often  in times of great need, in order to work out feelings and emotions which are very difficult to live with. I realise things can and often will seem to get a whole lot worse before they begin to get better. Once we begin to move away from the rules of the flesh, along with its needs and desires, and begin to move closer to God/Source – the spirit of the flesh (the part of us most closely associated/identifying with our earthly bodies, will put up a fight. It will kick and scream; yet, the Way Shower (Jesus Christ/ Yeshua Ben Yoseph) came to show us ‘how’ to overcome this trap.

(Diary entry):

A struggle with bitterness. Do we become ‘more’ bitter the closer we start to move towards God? The flesh knows we are going, so it strengthens its hold on us?
(“Read Revelation (chapter) 12”… I heard a voice say).

Notes from Revelation 12:

And the devil is filled with rage, for he knows he has only a short time left.
The mark of the beast is the beast’s name, or the number which stands for the name… 666.

My response/insight/creative abstract ramblings:

A number is a vibration of units. Number ‘6’ in Chaldean-Hebrew Kabala numerology represents ‘love’…’earthly’ love? I wonder how the number ‘6’ can represent the devil.
(Do the 3 sixes represent ‘earthly’ love on the three levels of body, mind, and spirit? I think about the ‘7’ churches (mentioned in Revelation). The 7th church equals the ‘Crown chakra’….our connection to Source/God? Does the ‘6-6-6’ represent our body/mind/state of soul without our connection to God?

The number (of the beast) stands for a man’s name. My name…‘Tracy’…ie my ‘identity’… my ‘marked’ identity, in the world.

The meaning of a number…

The number stands for a name…the number of the beast.

The 666 is the Body, Mind, and Spirit disconnected from God?

Q. What is the Mark of the beast? That which denotes a separation from God (a voice repeated in my head).

At this point in my diary entry I suddenly swayed off track, recalling a thought I have often pondered: Really, you must wonder… What ‘does’ one do with Eternity?

Getting to know our self…. Full Awareness of What We are. What the hell ‘are’ we? ‘Really’?

I was wondering last night in bed: What ‘is’ life? (Now I remember my strained thoughts as a child, where I would sit and try to imagine ‘nothing’ existing. It seemed impossible). I just ‘am’. We… (‘we’?)… ‘We’ just are! What the hell? Think about it. What – in holy mackerel ‘are’ we? Or rather…What am ‘I’? This answer came: We are just What I Am! Sh#%! Mind blowing.

A lotus flower on a pond – opening and closing – breathing IN…. and OUT…always.
Is there ever a time when we don’t exist? Oh yes…the big ‘sleep’…the ‘shutdown’… the ‘Mall is closed’. We retreat back into our sacks… we become no more. Do we wake ‘again’?

An over abundance of sleep causes a tiny movement, of restlessness, and again we begin to wake up. Holy mackerel. With each new waking – a reaching for a new height – a new level of experience. What the hell… Just enjoy it!

All the shits and its;
All the cribs and crabs;
All the bits and bobs.

This is our mishmash hole of (never-ending?) creative fluctuations, joys, and wonders.
And the big sleeps – in between it all – make it all bearable and surprisingly ‘new’ each time it all begins again.

Do your head in wondering. Do our head in wondering – what this ‘life’ is about.

(The following is a sort of Soul Communication dialogue between myself and….?)

Q. God, what ‘is’ life? (‘Movement by thought equalling heat’!?).

Q. What ‘are’ we? (By-product of ‘movement of thought equalling heat’!?)

Okay… Q. What is ‘God’? (A semi permanent state of fluctuating vibration!?)

Q. What is “fluctuating vibration”? (Any movement of thought through time and space).

Q. What is ‘thought’? (Any dream made real!?)

Q. What is a dream? (Made by a motion of space!?)

Q. What is a motion of (in) space? (You are having one right now!)

Q. What am ‘I’ to have a motion in space? (I am the creative dreamer!)

Q. Where did I come from? (My mother’s womb!)

Q. Who is my mother? (The demiurge of offspring!?)

Q. What is the demiurge of offspring? (The father of life!?)

Q. What is the father of life? (That which is!)

Q. What is ‘that which is’? (Hitherto!)

Can I not be, if I am not ‘Am’ (?)!

Nonsense! Diddle-swash! Makeba! Zoom! Flip-flop freedom hopper. Catch me if you can! Zip!  I’m gone… not there. Trying to catch me is like trying to catch the wind, or, compress electricity. Can you do it? Na!

Only those as little children can enter the kingdom of heaven. (Read that!)

Post thought…

“Oh, there must be some sinister side controller putting these thoughts into my (our) heads”?  That is our trouble. Paranoia. “Something, or someone is controlling us – manipulating us”, we might think. So, we fester in tormented paranoia; we drink the juice of the drink we have concocted for ourselves….which is? I don’t know. You tell me!

The tantrums will pass and we’ll get to know ourselves better…or not.

The Lord your God is One!

…that means ‘I’ am one. You, We, All, are One. One big mind of God – thinking thoughts for it self. Whatever we think, is.

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