As End Time prophecies continue to abound around the internet, I really do wonder if I will be “saved”. I am not a fanatical believer in these things but I am of the mind that, ’it is better to err on the side of caution, than on regret’; and hence, attempt to get right with God….just in case.
A diary entry born of uncertainty about what state my soul might end up in ‘if’ the end is nigh….
(A voice of reason speaks to a voice of doubt)…
Just know that God knows me. As horrible as my behavior may at times seem, I know there has been reason for it, and that I am not the “evil monster” I sometimes fear I have become. Years of self-doubt, fear, and anxiety take their toll and have caused me to act in unpleasant ways; all to ease the at times unbearable tension in my nervous system.
Am I making excuses for myself? (A voice of doubt says)
What is the solution to this?
Stop myself when acting on negative urges. (A voice of reason responds)
Know when I am acting poorly…and stop.
Why am I like this, God? Do I have something negatively possessing me?
A hardness…a sternness…an unsettling sense of injustice; an irritation and bitterness at times plagues me.
Who can be spotless before the Lord?
We are saved, not by works, but, by grace… I hear.
Why are things the way they are? Why have I been the way I am?
Knowing brings understanding…brings release from fears and torments.
Seek, and you will find!
Must I? Do I really need to know what causes my behavior; or, is simply knowing that there is reason enough to keep me off the ‘karmic’ hook?
God will reveal to me – in good time – the reason.
For now, what must I do?
Forget self; carry my cross; follow Him Who leads me out of darkness ever toward the light.
So, the anxiety to know the ‘why’ in order to release myself from the torments of my own conscience is not necessary!?!
“Keep the face towards the light… The shadows then are behind”. (Someone said)
What about the shadows which pull me backwards away from the light? (Voice of doubt adds)
Regardless of how things seem, or how things become, keep in mind that point of light. Know it is there.
What if I am completely overcome with the darkness? Lost forever!?
Only until God purifies me…with fire! Then I will once again be free, to start again.
So, do I need fear anything?
Not so long as the director is God. And He is ‘the’ Director!
If I give in to temptation and act out in anger/irritability etc., can I still receive mercy? Can I receive forgiveness if I keep doing the things I am ashamed of?
Give up my sense of injustice…my intolerance to the perceived weaknesses of others…the sense of being brought down to their level. This is what I react against, and which brings out terrible behavior in me. How do I know this is not what I myself have caused another person to feel…perhaps in another lifetime!?!
Is it karma? A re-balancing of things?
Everything I come across and experience in my lifetime has come about due to some unseen forces – the mechanical forces of the laws of cause and effect.
We have been stuck in this.
Well, if I simply see it this way – see that my reactions are controlled by these unseen forces – then, I can just know there is reason; and, as The Master came to teach….turn the other cheek!
How do I apply this to my reactions?
See the urge rising in me to react…to get irritated/angry…to retaliate, and… DENY THE FLESH THE SATISFACTION OF THE REACTION.
FORGET self (ignore/disregard the urge).
CARRY the cross (the burden/the uncomfortable feeling).
FOLLOW Him (radically choose love above all things).
I have often wondered…if I don’t react, will that energy – born of the desire to react – stagnate within me, and possibly cause illness?
Don’t ignore it…simply notice it. Notice how it feels and where it sits within your body. Observe it, and soon it will dissipate. Observe it non-judgmentally with an open heart and mind. It is just a ‘thing’, and you, the inward dweller, are the experiencer. As you don’t latch on to it watch it lose interest and drift off from you. And you will be beginning your steps…to freedom.
Grace of God be with us.