In terms of numerology, 2018 represents an 11/2 year, (2+0+1+8 = 11; 1+1 = 2) and, is also my personal 2 year. This way I feel somewhat in tune with the collective.
For the last few weeks I have been seeing 2’s quite often; and on this New Year’s morning, I began contemplating the two opposing sides of my personality – the “good”, and, the “bad”. I sensed that this year would be a year of resolving this conflict – or, at least coming to terms with it.
Diary entry: January 1, 2018
Two equally important sides – make up one significant whole.
No longer can I reject one, or the other. Both sides must be acknowledged. I cannot run away from my shadow. Why do I have a shadow? Because the illusion of a single, separate form makes it so.
When I am ‘the light’, I have no shadows; but, when I am a ‘separate entity’ – in a ‘body’ – I have a shadow! So, do I be the light, or, do I be the body?
(Enters a voice of reason)… I Am Both!
If I am both – I am neither one, nor the other! If I am ‘All’ of it…I cannot only be one ‘part’ of it.
(Voice of doubt responds) …Okay, the part of me that ‘does’ seem separate – with ‘shadow’ – i.e. my body… (Sentence interrupted by the voice of reason)…
There is only one body! See past the illusion – and you will see Me! (Think of an amoeba). Only One body – trying to work itself through the illusion!
As OCD symptoms tried to set in – standing in front of the mirror – I looked myself in the eye, and defiantly pronounced: “Be brave, ancient warrior!” I bundled my fears together and took them with me…bravely into the future.
A diary entry to work out feelings of irritation turned into another relieving insight…
Please note: My writing is based on my own research; creative contemplation’s; and intuitive reasoning. Although I may write with a certain conviction, I do not claim to know or present fact, or truth.
Diary Entry – Saturday DEC 16 2017
For some reason I am feeling agitated. I feel like all the “bad stuff”- bad ‘feelings’- are concentrated. I am feeling like a ‘hypocrite’ for offering Distant ‘Healing’ to others. Why am I feeling this way? (A voice of reason responded)…
Because, I tell you Tracy… not one day will go by when I don’t find a way to show you that I care about your welfare. You drain and moan – all the while ‘knowing’, deep down in your heart, that I really do care. You need to show it to the world. I can’t make you stop this moaning – I can show you the way… to mercy. I show you mercy – I give you mercy –please, give this to others.
I feel, ‘surely’ I am evil, and guilty, for such behavior –such irritable, angry behavior.
You will feel – always – what you feel. (Your experience will always be what you feel it is)
‘Am’ I guilty…guilty for wallowing in the mire? Guilty for indulging in irritable displays of emotion? ‘Why’ do I have such a need to express the irritation? (Voice of reason continues to respond)…
Because you don’t see reason –you only feel emotion –and, your emotions are fueled by fire! Redirect them into positive cause. ‘Give’ and you will receive… The amount you measure out is the amount you will be given back.
I need healing, God. Will I…
You get what you give! (Answered before I could finish the question)
I was going to ask: Will ‘I’ receive healing by helping others in their healing?
Stand up straight – look up and feel the connection with your spirit –with God/Source. Do it on purpose! Lift ‘yourself’ out of the mire! Behold – I AM God.
(ego self begins speculating…’I’ am God!?)
No! Not the ‘ego’ – but, the “essence” – the “conscious awareness” – the consciousness ‘in me’….is “God”. That One Blanket of Truth – that Blanket of ‘Awareness’ which covers/spans the universe…is ‘God’.
My individual self…my ‘body’… is part of that Truth?
It is an ‘expression’ of the activity of that truth –within Itself.
‘Is’ it that ‘Truth’, or ‘God’? Is the ‘expression’ (i.e. the ‘results’ of creative thinking – the “things” created by thought –our bodies included)? Are the “things” of creation, ‘automatons’ (i.e. soulless ‘machines’)? (A voice cuts in)…
Created ‘with’ the Truth – ‘with’ Awareness – but, not sole dwelling places ‘for’ that Truth/God.
Does ‘awareness’/’God’ dwell in ALL things?
‘Sunspots’ (came to mind) –aspects of creation where God no longer dwells; for strife has taken over.
The “things” became trapped in the mechanics of the natural laws of cause and effect. The natural laws of cause and effect keep “things” in motion; while God –who created them – amusingly sits back and watches the automaton circus play itself out. But, God watches attentively – for, God Himself/Herself/Itself, is partly trapped in it –part of God’s Own Awareness is trapped in the dream circus of creation. Sunspots i.e. holes in God’s awareness of Itself* [speculatative thought]
So, expecting ‘God’ to come down and “fix” everything is like waiting for yourselfto come and get ‘yourself’ out of bed. Only you can do this…willingly.
Oh yeah… but, there is this great thing called ‘equilibrium’; i.e. God’s natural barometer of Itself. This will even things out –with or without God’s full Awareness. Is the ultimate goal to find balance/harmony without the need to press themechanical reset button?
By sheer Awareness, and, Understanding, of One’s Self – not caught in traps…’snares’ of guilt…desire…fear etc; but, by sheerknowledge of One’s Self to be the full Expression of Love (?!)
To delight in the expression of ‘loving joy’andfreedom of creation; with fullAwarenessof one’s self.
That, too, would get a bit boring after some eonsof time. Then, would it be back to ‘strife’ and ‘chaos’, and ‘forgetfulness’ of one’s self…’again’; only to eventually rediscover it –in a moment of ecstatic joy –bursting forth – ‘again’– as Infinite Creators of Our Universe (?!)
PS This is why I value journaling so much. I started his diary entry feeling burdened by feelings of agitation – and ended it feeling like I have regained some breathing space. Amen.
Following on from yesterday’s diary entry – as the spirit of strife (and guilt) continued to dig its claws into me – triggered by a sense of remorse for past actions…
Sunday December 17 2017
It ‘happened’. I cannot wallow in the mire for ever. I could if I choose to, though. The strife happened! I cannot change that fact; though, I can change the thoughts surrounding that memory.
Self-condemnation for Eternity?
‘God’…do You want me to condemn myself for ‘eternity’? (Is this ‘God’, asking ‘God’, what ‘God’ would do!?) Or, is it the ‘flesh Being’ condemning itself? God dwells within this, though. God dwells in the flesh Being.
Is God’s Awareness‘trapped’ – ‘deformed’ – ‘distorted’, ‘by’ the flesh Being (i.e. by “us”)?
CanGod’s Awareness ‘be’ distorted? It is‘God’ after all (!?)
> The resonant field of fear is SO STRONG on Earth, that it keeps part of God’s Awareness held/trapped within it (!?)
Am I to be punished for upsetting my mum? (I did so, because ‘she’ upset ‘me’…(ego cries out)!
‘Can’ I forgive myself? ‘Will’ I? Willing – Will ‘I’ forgive ‘me’? Clouds ‘cloud’ my thinking – make it hard to see, and understand. Will it always be this way?
“STRIFE ON FIRE, KEEPS US BOGGED IN THE MIRE”.
Addicted to strife, are we? Addicted to anger? “Why”?
…Allows us to ‘let off steam’! Tension building up stresses us.
“Why” so much ‘tension’?
Anger over our ‘predicament’…angry at someone ELSE for ‘OUR’ predicament?
Anger at someone ‘else’, is this the only ‘way’ we know how to not face “the blame”!??
The ‘blame’ for THE WAY THINGS ARE.
Hell! Who would ‘want’ to take the blame? Kerfuffle! We are in our own Kerfuffle! ‘Surely’ there is a “God” ‘up there’, who is responsible for ALL THIS – who we can ‘blame’!?
Aargh!! (Frustration that WE should finally realize)…“We” are the Creators – the Doers – the Movers – and Shakers! “We” are responsible for it all.
“We” are all the ONE Being, (appearing to be) divided into MANY parts. The Blanket “exploded”- still all pieces of the ONE Blanket!
The Consciousness – the Awareness – the holographic ‘pieces’ – of the One Whole Being…we are! ‘Too’ enthusiastic? Tell me it’s not true. Yes, ‘others’ have said it – I am not making out like ‘I’ am the discoverer of it. I am one of the parts ‘realizing’ it! If one can –all must be able to. Are you ‘tuned in’ to receive it?
This affirmation came to me when I was finding it hard to feel ‘love’ for a person who challenges me. Realizing that holding ‘grudges’ will only set me back – keep me ‘bound’ in the vicious cycle of the ‘eye for an eye’ law of the natural world – I decided I need to radically embrace this person whom I feel challenged by.
Defying your natural instinct to react badly to someone who may be “pushing your buttons” is really a ‘radical’ thing to do; but, once you do it – and get yourself off the vicious cycle – you might find that you will be glad you did. I was.
If we were to undergo a ‘rapture’ – or, an event which would determine our spiritual destiny – holding on to grudges; having ill thoughts towards another; being unforgiving towards others AND self; where would that leave us? In what state of being…state of ‘awareness’, will we end up? The light “freedom” of loving…healing…’forgiveness’ – or, the heavy…burdened…’halls of hell’ (being a state of mind)?
I know what I would prefer; but, will I be willing to let go of all the crap … I should!
*’Sister’ and ‘brother’ refers to ALL OTHER FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS – not only ‘blood’ relatives.
The aim is to establish liberation from the flesh; forGood Will and order to rein. Good Will meaning: no-one sees ‘evil’; no one ‘judges’or ‘blames’. All can come in and out of experience at will. Then, natural, harmonizing order can be maintained. All will ‘sense’ the balance and act in accordance…for, all will be equal, and will Love the “other”.
(I received this insight in the middle of the night after suddenly waking up. I seemed to be in silent conversation with a ‘voice of reason’ – the source of which I am unsure of. So, please, read with a ‘grain of salt’!)
There is such sweetness to be savoured in the world; yet, we remain here bound by strife; failing to recognize the immense ‘gift’ we have: to experience the wondrous and beautiful creation.
We were meant to be able to come in and out of incarnation – at will – for the purpose of experiencing the beauty of the creation we…our core beings…had made. Yet, we became entrapped in it…’snared’ by it…consumed completely by the ‘Laws’ of it. Now ‘stuck’ in it, we tend to focus on the burden of it, not really realizing there ‘is’ a way out of it. ‘How’? By, following the example…‘The Way’…set for us by Jesus Christ of Nazareth.
Take away all the religious associations, and see solely the Man…the ‘Spirit Made Flesh’; and hear Him…seek to know Him…for He is The “Pattern”*…The Way-shower…who came to be an example…to show us how to escape the physical Laws of cause and effect which keep us bound in cycles of karma. The story of ’Turning the other cheek’ when someone hits you, was not about being ‘nice’ or ‘good’, it was practical advice about how to neutralize this karmic response…the natural ‘eye for an eye’ response. Consciously choosing not to hit the person back, but rather, defying the spirit of strife–halting it in tracks–’turning the other cheek’, and, stopping this automatic response. Suddenly you can become a “conscious dweller” knowing ‘how’ you become stuck in the ‘Tit-for-tat’ law of nature; soon realizing you don’t have to be part of it. [*See readings of Edgar Cayce]
Rather than the physical laws ruling you, suddenly, like J.C, you start to become the ruler of it. Remember what Jesus said….’Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me. If not, believe because of the things I do. I am telling you the truth: whoever believes in me will do what I do—yes, he will do even greater things’….. [John 14 11-12]
Don’t just take ‘my’ word for it!
Disclaimer: Please note that what I write is based on my own research; creative contemplation’s; and, intuitive level of understanding. While I seem to write with a certain conviction, I do not claim to know or present “fact” or “truth”.